Now Boarding All Idiots for Flight FR6542


I absolutely detest the people I find myself surrounded by when trying to get a flight. The minute I step foot in the airport everyone is my enemy. People are just incapable of being normal human beings when travelling is involved and I can’t cope. I must become wealthy enough to afford a private jet when I’m older. 

It all begins in security, there’s generally signs everywhere telling you exactly where to go, what to do and what you can and cannot take on the plane. Yet, people seem to wander aimlessly, faff about with their belongings and each time without fail someone tries to take a litre bottle of shampoo or sun cream through in their case. Hello! It’s an X-ray they will see it, they will find you and they will kill you. Ok, slight exaggeration but they will raid your entire case and you will feel very silly having some stranger wave your underpants around in public.

 Then you get the people that have to take everything off, belt, boots, jacket, jewellery, watch. Then once they have walked through the scanner, they stand at the conveyor belt trying to put everything back on. Meanwhile, tray after tray comes throttling through bashing the tray which they are trying to pull their belongings from further down the line, causing them to then fumble with their case to chase after it. The logical, smart thing to do would be to simply carry their stuff over to the tables provided so that everyone else can get in to get their trays too. I am of course that person who states this fact to whoever I’m with, just loud enough for the eejit in question to hear.

After knocking back three of the tester prosecco shots offered by an unsuspecting shop assistant in duty free and a large drink in departures, I feel slightly calmer. Then the flight is called and I wonder how many more halfwits I’ll encounter on the next part of my journey. Even walking to the gate gets my back up, people meandering on down as if it’s a stroll through the park with the grandkids. I’m not exactly in a rush but I hate dawdlers, if you want to walk slowly at least move in to one side so the rest of us insane people on a mission can get past you.

At the gate I can’t say it gets much better. People queuing before the gates even opened and people trying to skip the people already queuing even though none of them are going anywhere. When we finally get going and everyone floods towards the plane, this is the part where I lose faith in humanity entirely. 

A big long line of people waiting, often in the rain if it’s coming from the UK  and those who were first to get on the plane are strolling leisurely to their seat and when they find it, instead of sitting down and allowing people to get past to their own seat, they take their coat off, get their earphones out, try and untangle said earphones, thrust their bag which could easily go under the seat infront, up above them, oh wait they’ve forgotten their carrot sticks, back into the bag above. Meanwhile, from the back of the queue I am watching in disgust and contemplating sticking this passenger’s carrot sticks where the sun don’t shine. 

After a long struggle of painfully watching this scenario unfold several times, (minus the carrot sticks) I make it to my seat and go to put my case in the overhead locker, where I am met with absolutely no space because another moron has either put their case in side ways or shoved their jacket and handbag up there. Eventually after throwing Maureen from seat 18C’s jacket on top of someone else’s case, (she introduced herself as I sat down despite my don’t fucking talk to me face) I can get my case in, get in my seat and try to sleep because I honestly can’t take much more by this point. Maureen has other ideas. After telling me how she’s flying to France to make a fresh start because her husband left her for a younger woman and asking me 50 questions about my life, I politely tell her I’m going to try and sleep. If I’m lucky I can sleep for most of the flight and pretend I’m not surrounded by complete imbeciles. 

I wake up in a much better mood and realise it’s 10 minutes to landing. Result! I scan round and realise most of the people surrounding me are asleep or quietly reading a book, even Maureen has dozed off. I can’t believe my luck. 

Then the plane lands and a round of applause ripples down the aisle. Actually kill me now.