It’s been a long time since I went to the gym. Actual length of time is unimportant at this moment. Part of me feels guilty at my lack of effort on the exercise front, the other half is still in bed with remnants of last night’s chocolate cake on her face.
I was really committed to being healthy when I got back from France, really no I wasn’t. My best friend Lauren was because the cow was going to Ibiza. Needless to say, the minute she left I took a blissful tumble into a jungle of sugar and fat and waved goodbye to the gym standing on the outskirts and disappearing as I was devoured by the sweet trees. I absolutely was not going back. I put my Chocolate loin cloth on and swung between caramel vines with the toffee monkeys and I loved it.
After a few weeks in the jungle, life didn’t seem so rainbow coloured. Don’t get me wrong I was still enjoying bathing in the raspberry sauce river and sharing a toasted marshmallow mushroom with my monkey friends but I hadn’t seen the sun for some time and what once seemed sweet and fabulous about my jungle life was starting to leave a sickly taste in my mouth and a pain in my stomach. I had to find my way back to the gym.
I tried to venture back towards where I thought the gym was but I was tired, the thick icing dripping from the trees was making it difficult to see and the monkeys that were once my friends were now throwing chocolate poo at me because I was trying to leave. I took refuge in a jelly cave for some time and considered staying in the jungle because getting back to the gym seemed like an impossible feat.
However, I powered on, pushed past the sour gummy beetles and dragged myself away from the large slabs of cake rock but I still couldn’t find the gym. Then while I was lying in a pile of my own vomit and thought all hope was lost, a flicker of light caught my eye, could it be the edge of the jungle? Could I have reached the gym once more? Nope. Turns out it was just the Tangfastics tree glittering in the distance. I’m still in the jungle and may not make it out alone. Send help. Preferably a fat person who can eat their way back out.