How do you measure love? Or to be more specific the love of an animal. Like a dog perhaps. Not naming any names. How do you know if a dog actually loves you or purely associates you with things it loves.
I think I’ve known for a while now that my dog has and never will love me. He has one love in life and it’s the crunchy gravy flavoured kind that ends up in crumbs on my floor.
Don’t get me wrong your dog may actually love you. Mine however, is a special breed of canine who would be quite happy to walk himself down the garden path, favourite toy in his mouth and never see me again. These cute stories of dogs who find their way back to their families after being missing for years are all very well when your dog isn’t perfectly capable of leading its own life – minus you.
Yes. I’d go as far as to say my dog hates me. Ignoring the years of torment where I dressed him up in wigs, animal ears and glasses, I can’t actually work out where I went wrong. At what point did he start glaring at me from across the room, resent dripping from his chin. Was every tail wag he ever gave me a lie?
My mum tries to convince me that he does love me, “He scratches your door at night so he can come into your room and curl up next to you.” I tell her this isn’t love for me, it’s love for the fluffy pillow and warm duvet he cocoons himself in. And if he did love me would I be kicked repeatedly in the face during the night when he’s ‘sleeping’. I think not.
Some days, if I’m foolish enough to leave my bedroom door open when I go out, the little saboteur will empty my bin out and throw it all over the room (something I’m desperate to catch on camera). I come home and he’s crawling for forgiveness, rolling on his back, begging for me not to banish him to his bed. Then within seconds he’s darting about the room with excitement, proud as punch at his handy work. Little shit.
Another thing, when he is asleep, at times he’ll be having a dream so vivid that he makes little noises. Most people say, “Aw bet he’s chasing a wee cat or something!” Wrong. Bet he’s chasing me. Down the street, round the park, desperate to tear a chunk out my leg and be done with it. And if you listen close enough, his little whimpers could even be mistaken for a menacing laugh.
I’ve actually called him over before and had him look me dead in the eye, turn his back on me and jump up next to my mum where he proceeds to sit and scoul at me for the remainder of the evening.
Josh Billings said, “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” Clearly Joshy boy, you haven’t met my Hendrix.